a new year

Yep, right here at the end of August, a new year begins. My third year of study at NPC; my eleventh year of teaching at OTS. Both are fabulous and bring me lots of happiness. For this I am grateful.

This particular week marks a very sad time, as I lost my precious friend Michael on September 3, 2009. I remain in disbelief. My abandonment button is always at the ready and it is huge, but losing Michael would never have been insignificant. Someday perhaps I can redirect this energy that is just sadness and loss to something light hearted..I hope so. For now, I cry and I wonder.

I am also thankful to have known him.

Gratitude is an easy reach; one of God's blessings. May I let it touch the inner turmoil and keep the wolves that want to overwhelm me at bay.

Returning home

I wonder about home and returning there...and what constitutes home. Lots of definitions, lots of connotations, one day this, another week that. Right now I am once again in Ohio. There are always changes. Sadly, I'm looking for positive ones. Perhaps I could re-frame "home" and my expectations when visiting this geographic place. The little girl shows up each time and wonders when things can be right, when things can be smooth and normal, like everyone else.

ha.

This is a universal idea, I believe. Not every day, but in each heart at some point. I am watching changes I do not like in family members, I am enjoying time with a childhood friend, I am grieving the loss of a precious friend, astounded that it's been a year...the pain feels like yesterday still. I grow. Through each difficult thought, through the surprise of changes I do not like or don't want to face I am stretched and I think harder. Someday there will be answers. I hope. Answers are meant to clarify it all and I would like some clarity. Also I would like peace and a little less pain.