And life continues . . .

Two weeks ago I enjoyed a great visit with some important friends and heard some terrific music to boot! Big good fun with Mark and Becky (and a little with Tim) and some (short) but quality time with Buddy. God sends us people we need at the right times...so grateful for that.

Days are varied, aren't they...some are brighter and some darker. Along the path, we are not alone. Faith returns us to the side, bosom, hand of a mighty God that cares for us beyond our understanding. Right, I don't understand it. That's why it's called Faith. We trust..I trust. and I hang on, sometimes more tightly than others.

This week I walked by the lake 4 days. It was great...the expanse, the different colors depending on the weather of the day, the sun....all good.

More things to "deal" with, more people to meet, more smiles to swap, more songs to sing. ahhh.

Joke's on me!

Tomorrow I return to the medical office from which I "borrowed" the magazine last week. Today it seemed timely that I should finish the article I wanted to read. Alas, a page is missing...Some CREEP removed the page that is the completion of my story of calm! How's that fair?! ....or something...Anyway I enjoyed the photos and the idea of returning there sometime (soon?). There are lots of things on my to-do list today but the one I am most looking forward to is "write a song, Stab 1" ... hopefully I'll get to it. I will also appreciate marking through "bedroom" for it will mean clothes are all in a dresser or closet and that the entire floor is visible...assorted baskets of mail having been cleared. Don't quite know why I keep my very personal space such a mess..oh sure, we all have ideas.. But now I will make some more progress and allow the clearing of personal physical space to clear the personal head and heart space so that the song that's trying to get out will have a place to be.

That'll show 'em...

Today I had to go for a follow-up diagnostic. There is more to look at so I get to do this again next week. You know something's up when they escort you to a place to "wait" which you find is code for "you have to visit with the doctor who you've never met" ...radiologist. I sit down at the big desk that looks like no one really lives there and there has been placed for my reading enjoyment 2 magazines...Lovely.

So my head is spinning with thoughts about how they would just tell me, "all's ok, see you in a year" if indeed all were ok, so somethin's up. I'm no fool. Naturally my head races to the absolute most horrific bad case scenario and I find myself wishing I weren't alone. Isn't that the way bad news is delivered - with someone who cares and supports you by your side, ready to hand you a tissue or at least pat your hand? Inside my head someone is screaming "shouldn't they have told me to bring backup??!!"

So I begin to look at this magazine, thumbing madly and there's an article by an author (I know none of her books) that is all about the house she and her husband have near Savannah in a spot I love. All of a sudden I'm feeling more relaxed, breathing deeply, seeking salt air...

I love being surprised by calm.

What a gift.

However, I did not finish the article before the doctor came in with the films, the explanation, the plan for another diagnostic next week..

And I don't know why this is such a big deal (Baptist roots?) but I took the magazine with me.

I need to finish that article and hear this author describe moving to and visiting and being in the place I love.

On a happier note, for the first time ever in my whole life, I have written a song! No, Two...

and a third is in progress...thought it was done, but no. Feels right, feels freeing. I think I may like this.

Many thanks to so many of my friends who have encouraged.

A good week, overall...last Friday's performance at the art gallery was sweet and fun and this Saturday there is a house concert where I'm the main attraction...woot.

Yes, of course I'll return the magazine when I go back next week.

a few rain drops

This morning I had my coffee on the patio. Due to travel and oppressive heat and humidity, this was the first time in nearly 2 weeks. As I approached my chair, I noticed the faintest rain drops, hitting me like half a pin prick. I sat down anyway. I clutched my coffee cup and covered the writing book I intended to make some notes in. It's one thing for me to get a little damp; no use messing up a perfectly fine notebook.

The rain strengthened a little but never more than a persistent mist. What's the harm in getting a little damp. Words to a couple of songs came to mind, "let the pain and the sorrow be washed away. ." and " as deep cries out to deep " I sat in the rain and in my pain and in the gain of a lesson refreshed in my heart. It's a bit too early to move on to it just now, for it feels right to allow the pain, even if I know I should pray that it be washed away. So much of my life has existed in not allowing my feelings, my fears, my outbursts (I'm still not at all good with this one), especially the things that I was told (sometimes silently) are unacceptable . . . so a little simmering...then the washing away. Rain feels good on the face.

a new year

Yep, right here at the end of August, a new year begins. My third year of study at NPC; my eleventh year of teaching at OTS. Both are fabulous and bring me lots of happiness. For this I am grateful.

This particular week marks a very sad time, as I lost my precious friend Michael on September 3, 2009. I remain in disbelief. My abandonment button is always at the ready and it is huge, but losing Michael would never have been insignificant. Someday perhaps I can redirect this energy that is just sadness and loss to something light hearted..I hope so. For now, I cry and I wonder.

I am also thankful to have known him.

Gratitude is an easy reach; one of God's blessings. May I let it touch the inner turmoil and keep the wolves that want to overwhelm me at bay.

Returning home

I wonder about home and returning there...and what constitutes home. Lots of definitions, lots of connotations, one day this, another week that. Right now I am once again in Ohio. There are always changes. Sadly, I'm looking for positive ones. Perhaps I could re-frame "home" and my expectations when visiting this geographic place. The little girl shows up each time and wonders when things can be right, when things can be smooth and normal, like everyone else.

ha.

This is a universal idea, I believe. Not every day, but in each heart at some point. I am watching changes I do not like in family members, I am enjoying time with a childhood friend, I am grieving the loss of a precious friend, astounded that it's been a year...the pain feels like yesterday still. I grow. Through each difficult thought, through the surprise of changes I do not like or don't want to face I am stretched and I think harder. Someday there will be answers. I hope. Answers are meant to clarify it all and I would like some clarity. Also I would like peace and a little less pain.

What a weekend. . .

This past Friday I left at 4am to drive to my hometown in OHio. My high school class was celebrating a biggie and I went to be a part of it. First, of course, I spent a huge amount of time in my friend's pool, sans sunscreen...yes, I'm an idiot. Still had fun seeing some people at the dinner though. Unfortunately I was unable to make the better-attended gathering the 2nd day, as I had to head back to Chicago. Arriving in Chicago, I had to rehearse with my daughter, then head right over to the fest to lead a sing-along...ggggreat fun. Following that I had a stage performance INside the school in the concert hall. nice also. Quite a few friends that I don't see often showed up and that is allllways terrific. Then there was an invitation to go for something to eat..."oh, sure..." Upon finishing there I had to race home and mop (sort of ) floors for the Choir people were coming quite soon! It was a small gathering due to the fest and stuff, but we had a good time. I was energized by it.

But not so much that I could stay up past 10.

These weekends didn't always tire me out so, but this one did....No regrets tho..had a good time in every thing that happened..

the lesson...sleep when you can...do not wait until you are dead.

Fathers, Dads, Sperm donors . . .

Just when I think I'm past being emotional on a day like this . . . The son of my dear departed friend sent a message that said how it feels like his dad died just yesterday; it has been 9 months or so. This larger than life man left such a hole, such a void, in the life of so many people. Nothing has hurt like this for a very long time. It's a thing that feels like it will never heal. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. I will keep remembering gratefully the time we spent together and that I was able to see him and sing to him before he departed. Sometimes it seems consolation is far far away. But he wasn't my father and I am not his 26 year old son. That young man has a difficult road and my heart aches for him; however, I am grateful that he has his dad's resourcefulness and understanding of friendship. It will sustain him.

The male parents in my life left indelible marks...many good, a few not-so-good. With God's help, I am also resourceful. Who can doubt the power and grace of God? I stand, sit, kneel, run, scream. . .knowing it's in His hands, not any of the others. Even if all had been excellent in my childworld, still it's God who must be trusted and leaned on for what Fathering is all about.

End of school term

Yipee!! One class completely finished, one more will dog me until I finish up in about a week. I'd love to think I could outsmart myself and get stuff done before the actual hour it's to be turned in...

A good weekend, this. Breakfast with Tim yesterday, then home the rest of the day, evening. This morning I took Tim and Simone to the airport...helllloooo Colorado. They're very excited. I'm happy there will be choir tonight, by popular demand - on a date that I didn't intend to have it. Love that folks are asking, wanting more more more! me too, me too ! It is such a hoot to get to hear and sing songs I've loved for so long. It warms my heart that others are enjoying it.

I'm also soo very happy to connect with people via Facebook. Specific people, especially. All good.

Catching up

Mercy - long time no write - at least here...the thing about being a scattered person is that you write journal-y things in 2 or 3 different places..cohesion is a good idea I guess, just not one I've quite figured out. at least not in everything.

But I do want to write about my trip. I left town on Friday May 28 around 4am heading south...my favorite direction. I took about a full twelve hours to get to Hendersonville NC, with needing to stop and stretch legs, etc. I was cooked. Fortunately Bruce and Miriam were so excited I had arrived and they had supper waiting so my energies renewed quite quickly. They are wonderful people, a wonderful couple. We moved from eating to story telling to laptop obsessing to story telling to singing to eating to story telling...and much of it on the front porch, "Miriam's porch." Bruce knows his Mama would be proud of how the place looks and that she would love Miriam and this warms his heart. Oh how one person completes another...even if no one is incomplete. Lovely to see. We talked of going to a local farm to get fresh-picked strawberries on Saturday morning. We got there before any picking had been done, so we "got to" pick for ourselves. It wasn't our plan, but we wanted strawbs! It took about 30 minutes and we were fine, all lived through it... They accompanied our breakfast of biscuits and sausage gravy, mighty fine. The entire visit was great. I left Sunday morning early to head for Tybee Island. Traffic was excellent until the last 15 miles. The typical 25 minute drive from Savannah to the island took just over an hour...Memorial Day weekend, hello! I got to the condo about 15 minutes before Doug and Gary arrived a couple of hours later. We had a lovely time singing and playing and eating and beach walking. Good good friends.. We have travelled different paths and traversed varied rough terrain, but we share something that lightens our hearts and inspires our souls. Good friends, great music. I got up Monday morning and took a walk on the beach while the guys were still sleeping..when I returned they were both awake, up and ready for the day. We made some more music and chatted and ate (there was a lot of food) until Doug had to leave around 3 to drive back to Orlando. Gary and I had dinner at the Crab Shack and decided that is the only place on the island we should ever try to have a meal "out." soooooo good. ambience, roaming cats, all of it.

We sat on the balcony and watched dolphins for a bit more then he left around 9:30 or so.

Tuesday morning I went for a beach walk (most everyone had left since the holiday weekend was done). I love walking on the sand, at the water's edge...

I did not love cutting my foot on a stupid shell, but, oh well. I drove to just north of Nashville and overnighted in Portland. Weds morning I headed for Chicago and got here around 4pm. Class at 6:30, right back to it! good times, all.

always in her heart

. . and at the ready, was a song. When mom and dad fought or went to their bedroom and closed a door and she was uncertain about life...when she felt very alone from not having friends nearby and being sent out to play ... when she didn't understand about boys and relationships as a teenager... a song was always present. A close friend...maybe not always consoling, but always there. She always knew that she "could sing." No one spoke of talent or gift or capability..not that kind of knowing..but she didn't fear singing. So many children don't have the opportunity to sing; perhaps songs have not been a part of their lives, perhaps church didn't include lots of singing, if there was church, perhaps family didn't sing as dishes were done or trips were taken to the store. It's not everybody's story, but I'm glad it's mine. I'm grateful that God gave me a song, a bunch of them, to sing, even when it's not audible. It is indeed what is in the heart that matters. It heals or kills. May I ever keep a song at the ready.

gettin' to it - - -

I am much better at planning and plotting a thing than I am at actually doing it. Ideas are not strangers to me. Creative thought and resourcefulness is not a thing I have to seek. Stuff is always going on in my head: things I can do, contacts I can make, walks I can take, lots of stuff. The execution of plans and plots seems to be another matter entirely. Even with solid inspiration of friends and of God's word and of observation of what others do ... I sit. It does present the path of least resistance, yes? And of course these delicious ideas and things to be done (I even have the "how" in mind) will come with some resistance. Who wants to risk that? Apparently I am one who does not want to. Sometimes I feel like many pieces of my life were hard and I barely made it out alive. Now, I realize everyone has hard stuff..what I'm thinking is that we must continue to pursue the goals or mission of our individual lives.

A dear very smart friend told me that when we feel the Best in our lives...when we're in that special place, special time, special someone (pick one, doesn't have to coincide) and we think "Ohhhhhh this is a vvvvery good feeling...hope I get to visit this again soon" ....that is the way God sees us all the time...He has in mind and heart that love, that Truth (what?!) about us and toward us every day...every moment. Can it be? So the very best I can ever feel is the Truth of me...I really am that..Hard to swallow. Life's darts and arrows and mishaps and lies get so far into us that it takes years of effort to get rid of them...or even to a manageable place.

I think that's why they call it Faith. This morning I will try again. Lord help my unbelief.

a new year

Correct, it is not January 1, but it is the anniversary of my birth. This day always gives me pause to consider my life, the circumstances of my conception, the redemption of that and how I will pursue my God-given opportunities. This day also often brings a few minutes of tears. Sorrow and pain and loss for what I think my "family" (of origin) should have been and what it is. These tearful moments pass quickly for I am constantly aware of the replacement love God has given me: many friends, extended family members, opportunity. Friends are an amazing thing. They are sources of shared interests (let's say, music!), what you read, what movies you see and they are sources of wisdom, unintentional mentors. Occasionally they lend or give you money or just pick up a check at a restaurant. If you're vvvvery lucky, they sing like angels too.

somebody's job

It seems over-thinking and hyper-analysis is a specialty of mine. It accomplishes a couple of things. One is distraction - it keeps me from living life of that moment or day and puts me in a place of wondering how things might have been different . if . . or .. .what about . . ?

Today it occurred to me that the primary accomplishment is protection...I believe I am guarded by the knowledge I (believe I ) have about why things happen. More and more I identify things I use as guards..and I am always surprised at the idea of having need of this or that it may be apparent to others on the outside of me and my skin! So perhaps we miss daily life or moment-by-moment life if we spend time in the past or the future...But there's a lot to figure out and anticipate, right? And be ready for? Is it my job to protect me? My faith says no. Human practicality (by whose definition?) says you better believe it! Well, that's enough for now...I will go and live my day...it's lovely outside...sandals here I come...maybe a walk .. . cleaning maybe later.

maybe.

Exploring

This weekend was 4 days of driving and 75% or so of it in rain...well, on 3 of the 4 days. I visited with some cool friends I rarely get to see and had some big laughs as well as conversation about big ambitions. Friends are such a blessing on my life. The wisdom and other smarts that they share are like precious finds as I slog through days and weeks of life. Some are so entertaining, perhaps purely so, that I smile constantly when in their presence. Some seem to utter nothing that is not profound...wow...where do you go to get some of that?! So I am thankful for the precious morsels as well as the practical "well, you get up in the morning and you do this . . " kind of thing.

Travel is a gift. I hope my kids will always find a way to experience different places and people. It broadens the view of humanity and God's creation as well as tempting, pushing us to think a little bigger than we did yesterday.. .. .. I love that.

I love the south. I love how people just seem more friendly...some are more open and vulnerable, others are guarded...In general tho, more friendly. Rarely do I see strangers saying hello on the streets of my big city.

Traveling by car at this time of year in rural areas is its own reward. New calves (many of them black angus this trip, somehow) dot the hillsides. love that...makes a person think they could take one for a pet! Yes, all good for a couple of months, then it's a big mess.

Today I will try to avoid obstacles on the heart and mind. Instead of throwing the nega-thought, I will replace it with the possible, potential. Just threw that in 'cause it crossed my mind.

yes, again...

So we've reached the end of another school term and my craziness is about to set in...No, I don't exactly know why this happens and moreover why I don't amend it...But it is there...I will survive. It will just feel icky for awhile. ok.

On other fronts, I'm very much looking forward to not having class for the next 8 weeks so I can finish up work on the cd and enjoy teaching 2 additional classes at OTS. I love the teaching.

I also continue to redefine my life, or at least think about it. What to do, where to do it, how quickly, all that. I seem to feel restless these past few weeks and I'm trying to figure out if it's passing or if it's a sign that a move is to be made. When the courage falls upon me, perhaps I will know.

winter

We are now three-quarters done with February and Chicago has another fresh snow. It's a lovely thin, wet one...slushy is the technical term, I believe. I happen to love the way a new snow lays softly on trees and lawns and rooftops. No hurrying for me. I can take a long time to get places if I need to. That is another huge gift. Time.

I have a need (in a functional way) to adjust how I'm spending time. This year has been an indulgence, it seems. I have never before known a chunk of time like this where I haven't had any "musts"....there are a few "shoulds" and also a few "dones" !! The sorting of next steps and life is still going on . Here's hoping I'm brave enough for the ride. Adventure calls.

good week !

It isn't a surprise that I had a good week, but I feel the need to write just a bit about it. I'm really enjoying all my classes currently...the ones I'm taking and the ones I'm teaching...Just the idea I get to teach and the lovely subject matter blows me away most of the time. I have a friend who says we should not live in the undeserving thoughts (or something near that) and I believe it but sometimes stuff creeps in.

Had just a little studio time; most everything is mixed...scary..now the hard work is up to me, glueing all the other parts together...mercy!

Met a couple of lovely new friends and spent quality time singing and getting acquainted...always good. Had a couple of nice rehearsals, sang at a Haiti benefit last night and sang at a church service this morning...my first love. A dear childhood friend was a part of that, which made it more special, then she and I had lunch afterwards. There is something very different, aside from "depth", somehow, about friends of decades...

This evening topped the whole thing off with a soup supper bday party for a friend..met some new folks, spent good music time with others I haven't seen for awhile. Now sleep, then tomorrow a new week, a new month and lots of textbook time! Many thanks to the God who creates and restores for blessings and gifts and time.

Learning

I believe learning is sooo important. True, I don't expect many folks to disagree with this and I believe it is a widely accepted view. Somehow I just get jostled by surprise when nearly every day I am conscious I have learned a thing. The best things are not new facts committed to memory in some way, but realizing I have been changed by what I have seen or heard. These days it frequently comes in the form of textbook reading or hearing a lecture. It is important to expose oneself to these moments, by reading or listening; this is not always an easy part for it is very convenient to watch a movie (or tv) or hang on the computer.

My favorite is when it comes from a conversation with a friend. And I have to admit, my very very favorite is when I learn something about me..Often however it's more of an acceptance of something about me. For instance, when I decide to believe a thing about my worth or value or capability that previously was hidden by some old lie.

I do not want to blame stuff or people here, but I believe I was raised in a narrow-minded sort of group or region, or something. Becoming aware of different ways people think, feel, live still feels like "aha!" moments. Perhaps it is good to not get over amazement. Actually, the amazing things in life are the ones that keep a person going - - no, more than that; they keep a person revved! Like when I realize I'm playing piano "better" than I once did, ever did. How did that happen? Some new energy and belief came with the new piano somehow... ? Or that God's grace has shaped me into someone who can be generous in ways I never considered. Another is that I can be comfortable with people I used to throw into boxes, "Oh, theeeyyyy, don't . blah . . want. .think . . about/with me. ." or "I'm sorry, you expect ME to get involved with . . talk to . . provide . . for him/her . . . "

It feels like grace to me. I am grateful for it. Quite possibly it is the most amazing of all the things.

Songs to teach

This week my classes begin again. I soooo love teaching and the songs chosen for Wednesdays class are bluegrass songs about flowers, gardens. It's 15 degrees and supposed to snow half a foot tonight, that's why.

Wonder what I'd be teaching if I lived in Miami FL ? ..footprints in the snow?

It is a privilege to assist singers; to help them get to a new place in their capabilities of presenting a song...

on what is deserved . . .

Occasionally someone will say, "Oh, you deserve it" commenting on a good thing that has come my way, your way...I wonder about what we actually deserve in this life...and perhaps the personal trouble I have with this is just in the word. It presents an entitlement to the issue, something served on a platter, if you will.

What do we deserve?

What do we not deserve?

Today I will visit with a friend who has had a year no one ever deserves. Heartbreak, financial ruin, etc. ..Yes, she's landed on her feet and she will be fine. She is, however, a terrific human who is creative and kind to a fault and a delight to be around. It would be easy to say she certainly didn't deserve that...Where would you ever say someone would deserve such a thing?

I lost a dear friend this year. His death left a gaping hole. The hole was not as big as it left in his father's life, however. You live to your three-score and ten to watch your child die? Seems completely undeserved.

I have been provided the magnificent gift of time these past few months....lots of time. I do not believe I have been terribly productive with it. Judgmental friends who live with a lot of "shoulds" would have the same opinion I'm pretty sure.

Is this about self-judgment? Am I making too much of this?

Are we to live so that we can always be seen as deserving? Didn't God take care of this when He placed us on this earth? We are important to God, so we are. I don't know that we deserve anything. I like to think we are strengthened to get through the things that come in our path.

Large hurdles like owning one's truth will always be in our path. For me, this is the dragon to slay every day. Somewhere in young childhood I believed I was undeserving.. This brings a whole new light to these thoughts. the "less than" . . it is a plague.

Here's hoping you are not looking for resolution to my inner debate, for I do not have one. It is gift enough that I can see all the points and identify day by day what thing I may need to change in my thoughts and behaviors...which truth to grasp.

That makes a difference.

It's like the new song you cannot believe you didn't know (or hear) for your whole life until now.

Mercifully, it found you and it stays in your head.

Sorting

Today I will sort...the junk mail from the real mail (read bills), the things that might be good to hang on to and read later (much) to what must be kept (little), the scraps of paper with bits of info and the ridiculous flyers that want to lure me into stores. So there is lots to go into the recycle bin. For me it is important to either rip things to an unreadable size or condition or get it outside to the big recycle bin; it seems I like to revisit things. This is never an intention, but happens nonetheless. It's not unlike pieces of my life. Odd how I avoid what should be revisited and return to the emotional junk mail, those things that clutter and do not fulfill or help in any way. Some nutty thought of decades past tempts me to ponder those things I cannot change, those things that may have done some damage, as though checking to make sure they're still there will provide an "aha" moment. Alas, the aha's have happened, moving on is the important step. For, yes, I have done more than just see the memories; I know the next step. It's a "Lord, help my unbelief" moment... unbelief in my ability to take the next step. Have you heard that it is wrong to avoid doing the right thing? What would have happened if Joseph had not done the right thing, the thing the angel told him to do. . . to take Mary and the Child to another region? What if the men Herod sent out had not taken the long way back ..? Granted, this is my life, not the Savior of the world's, but perhaps it is always important to step into God's truth and "do" the behavior, even on days we have trouble embracing the truth. For me, this morning it starts with sorting.

Junk mail be gone, clutter banished. It may be one room at a time, but it will matter.

Mercy, an entire new year and chance to write regularly!

So this is quite a feat for me - getting to this on only the second day of the year. It's been a quiet and lazy year thus far. I watched a bit of tv, hanging at Tim's while he and Simone were out of town. The idea was to hang with the cats, provide them some human company but they clearly are interested only in the human interaction that has to do with food and water, mostly food. But we had a little "buddy" time...not much.They're gorgeous cats and full of personality, from afar, but personality nonetheless. This post I will not do the deep emotional purge of reviewing last year but I will say it was a huge huge year for me. I continue to evaluate the changes it has made in me.

I am grateful for a new year, I am grateful for each new day. May I be less like the sloth and get more done. ...quite original. right.

On January 2 of 2009 I never would have guessed that many things would happen in my life and I would not have believed a couple of them...flat out would not have believed. I continue to thank God for the things I feel give me life and trust Him for strength to get through the things that scare and drain me.

Friends none of us are in charge, even of our own lives.

May we each stay awake to the opportunities and responsibilities we are given.